Problem w/ the future in-laws...

luckycharm06

luckycharm06

Old School Member
O.G.
Dec 2, 2005
2,508
5
#1
Anyone out their financially support their DH's immediate family? This has been a matter of contention for my bf and I...his parents are still reliatively young (late 40s) and have not been working for nearly 5 years. Currently, his older brother and sister support them (I mean, everything from their mortgage to their bills to their food $$).

My bf feels like he "owes" his parents, and will give them nearly 1/3 of his paycheck every 2 weeks for the next year (while he is living at home). He will save most of his paycheck for our future wedding, but a LARGE chunk will be going to them.

I understand the concept of him wanting to help out his parents, but to this extent? They aren't getting jobs anytime soon, either. I can also understand that he wants to help them while he lives at home, but what about when we move out and want to start our own life? Will we have to still support them then? What is a "reasonable" amount of $ to help them, and for how long??

This has caused me so much stress, it's almost unbearable. Sometimes, it makes me question the situation I may be getting myself into in the future. We have talked about this, and he has assured me that he is helping them "for now", but he will put our family first after we get married. However, he says that the bottom line is that they are his parents, and ultimately he will do "anything" for them. That scares me, since their situation is NOT changing any time soon (well...why would they change it, seeing as their children pay for everything?!) I am afraid we will have to be their financial crutch for god knows how long.

Is this fair? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Where do I draw the line? I don't mind helping them out FOR NOW, but I do not want to be stuck in an indefinite situation for an indefinite amount of time. :shrugs:
 
#2
RUN RUN RUN RUN away from this BF and his family.

The are bug nuts crazy.

Your BF will not change. He will ALWAYS want to help them.

The jerk family will never change.

Your life with BF will ALWAYS be as it is right now.

RUN RUN RUN

If you love BF, you can always do some volunteer work to help him.

Your marriage should be a partnership of friends and equals.
 
#3
I have the MIL from hell.. My DH supports her, paid off her house (she trashed it...) , bought her a new car (she wrecked it within 4 months..), gives her $$ to live on (she blows it buying costume jewelry on Ebay..) & never a single "thank you" from her. She is the one & only source of tension in our family. My DH is aware of how she is but she is somewhat childlike & he feels obligated to take care of her as she won't take care of herself. She's lazy & works the system. She has no intention of ever working again (why would she!?). I've learned to accept that's how she is & it will never change. We are fortunate enough to have the extra $$ without it hurting our family. If it did, it would be a MUCH bigger issue in my household. Although it does still irk me that we could be using that money for our kids & not his mother! I just thank God she lives in another state.

I would just try & make it clear that when you start a life & family together, you expect his finances to be directed towards that... You are not being unreasonable at all~
 
#4
I have to agree with everyone. For men family loyalty is very, very strong. In a sense stronger than a woman's because we are able to put our new families first (maybe because we give birth, I don;t know....). I think that a marriage actually magnifies problems with inlaws exponentially. A man needs to learn that when he gets married his wife and children become first priority and his immediate family. This can be a hard transition for a man.

I am actually on my 2nd marriage and I have had a hard time with both sets of inlaws. In fact, inlaws were pretty much the reason I divorced my 1st husband. He kept giving in to his parents and living life the way they wanted him to. I couldn't handle it. In my current marriage my inlaws don't like me and my husband is finally starting to realize how badly they treat me and that our kids and I should be the first priority--however it took a lot of tears, heartaches, and fights for him to come to the realization. To be honest, I almost agree with ProfNot in the RUN RUN RUN advice. Sometimes I wish I did.

Good Luck I feel for you!

PS--No, you're not selfish. Two people in their 40's should not be depending on their grown kids for assistance!
 
#5
OMG what a great idea. One can have children solely to have indentured servants. Please tell me does this family have a farm with the boys changed to it? as it sounds akin to those traditional farming families where offspring are created as they are cheap labor.
 
#6
I agree with the pp's. Run away as fast as you can and dont look back. If they are causing stress now BELIEVE ME when I say once you are married they will only get worse. If he puts them ahead of you now, he will continue to do so once you are married and that isnt right. Men are just so damn clueless when it comes to priorities, & this INCLUDES MY husband.

Here are some questions from a NYT article you should check out. When I first read them my face got bright red & was totally pi$$ed at myself.

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
 
#8
Is there a legitimate reason why they aren't working? It just seems odd that they are in their 40s and have their children supporting them. Unless they are disabled, I would have a real problem with the situation.
 
#9
I absolutely will not support my in laws. They have made poor financial decisions all of their lives, expecting that someone will always be there to rescue them. My FIL is retired but didn't plan for retirement, and my MIL has never worked. All they have is social security. Last year my brother-in-law purchased them a home closer to family. He has lately been hinting that my husband and I should pay some of their monthly expenses. In my opinion, my brother-in-law chose to buy the house knowing that they wouldn't been contributing anything (and without consulting any other family members before the purchase), so it's his problem. We give them money a few times a year, but I will not agree to help support them on a montly basis. I have been very clear about this with my DH. Luckily, he agrees with my position.

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. If he's helping them out now, it will be awfully hard for him to stop in the future.
 
#11
I would only help my in-laws or my own parents if they were physically incapable of helping themselves. Otherwise they should be able to get out there and work and take care of themselves.
 
#13
katheryn said:
Is there a legitimate reason why they aren't working? It just seems odd that they are in their 40s and have their children supporting them. Unless they are disabled, I would have a real problem with the situation.
Click to expand...


They had a business a few years ago but it went under...they were supposed to "invest" into something else but obviously, never got around to it. His mother does babysit some of his baby cousins, and that brings in a small amount of income. His dad...does nothing.

The fact that he is from a traditional Asian family does not help. Asian kids are raised to basically "take care" of their parents - albeit, this case is extreme. What complicates the matters is that both his parents are not educated and do not speak English very well (if at all). This makes the job hunt much more complicated.

I think it's easy to say RUN, RUN, RUN!...but the fact of the matter is I love him. We have been together 7.5 years, and I've fully known of this situation the last 5. I guess with the fact that we are trying to start our own lives soon, the troubles are magnified. If the tables were reversed, I would hope that he'd understand I'd want to help my parents too. He is just as exasperated with them as I am, but he seems to hide his frustration better. :s
 
#14
DlkinVegas said:
I agree with the pp's. Run away as fast as you can and dont look back. If they are causing stress now BELIEVE ME when I say once you are married they will only get worse. If he puts them ahead of you now, he will continue to do so once you are married and that isnt right. Men are just so damn clueless when it comes to priorities, & this INCLUDES MY husband.

Here are some questions from a NYT article you should check out. When I first read them my face got bright red & was totally pi$$ed at myself.

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
Click to expand...


Thank you, I will definitely print this out and go over this with him. :idea: And...as for him putting his family first, I know that he definitely puts me ahead of them, but they are such a close second that they're breathing down my neck! :blink:
 
#15
The fact that your bf still lives at home is a good reason for him to give his parents money for his rent. After he gets married, this should be a different story. However, the Asian aspect does make things a bit more complicated. Most traditional Asian parents want their children to give them money as a sign of love. So his parents will most likely continue to expect the $$ to come their way from their kids even when they're married. This can cause a lot of stress on you and your bf in the future. You really have to think about this before you go any further with your relationship. Also, how good is your bf with his boundaries? He may need to learn to say no to his parents sometimes whether it's about money or other issues.
 
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