The Blender Book of Awesomely Stupid Records

caitlin1214

caitlin1214

tPF Bish
O.G.
Jul 7, 2006
29,110
780
#1
LONGEST PRISON SENTENCE
Holders: Big Lurch and Steady B
It doesn't get any longer than life without possibility of parole, which is what aspirant Texan rapper Lurch is serving for killing and eating partially eating the body of a 21 year-old girl while high on PCP in 2002. Steady B, a Philadelphia rapper, is also jailed for life following a 1996 botched bank robbery in which a police officer was killed, a crime for which his accomplice (and old rhyme buddy) Christopher "Cool C" Roney has been sentenced to death.


BIGGEST COCAINE HABIT
Holder: Waylon Jennings
"I did more drugs than anyone you ever saw in your life," said the country outlaw in 1994. Until he cleaned up 10 years before that, Jennings had spent 21 years doing drugs and indulging a $1,500-a-day cocaine habit. Honorable mention goes to Elton John, who at his peak was ingesting cocaine at a rate, he claimed, of "one line every four minutes."


HIGHEST DAILY FAST-FOOD BILL
Holder: Rodney Jerkins
During work on the Spice Girls' third album, Forever (2000), roly poly producer Rodney Jerkins reportedly spent over $300 a day on McDonald's.


HEAVIEST RAPPER
Holder: Big Pun
"Four hundred pounds, six feet tall, brutally handsome," was Big Pun's optimistic assessment of himself on 2000's posthumously released "My Turn." Until he dropped dead of a heart attack in February that year, the New York rapper's weight fluctuated wildly, topping the scales at nearly 700 pounds. This record looks unlikely to be broken, as the advent of Celebrity Fit Club has encouraged such potential contenders as Biz Markie (lost 40 pounds), Young MC (lost 38 pounds) and D12's Bizarre (lost 32 pounds) to trim down rather than mount any sort of serious challenge.


LONGEST DELAYED ALBUM
Holder: Smile
Recording on Smile began in 1966, before Brian Wilson's drug use, mental deterioration and paranoia - he believed Phil Spector had persuaded Columbia Pictures to make the movie Seconds "just to screw with my head" - caused the project to be abandoned. It was eventually released 38 years later, on September 28, 2004.
 
#2
LOWEST GOLF HANDICAP
Holder: Alice Cooper

The most-skilled recording artist around the greens is Alice Cooper. The ghoulish rocker took up golf as a substitute for drinking a bottle of whiskey each day. It was worth it: He now tees off at 6:30 every morning, his diligence rewarded with a mere five handicap.





FASTEST SELLING SEX TAPE
Holder: Paris Hilton

With about 600,000 copies in circulation, 1998's Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored remains one of the highest-selling adult films of all time. However, 1 Night in Paris (2004) - depicting heiress and occasional singer Paris Hilton expressing her love for now ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon - notched up unprecedented advance orders estimated at 200,000 and went on to pass the 500,000 mark.





MOST NECKS ON A SINGLE GUITAR
Holder: Rick Nielsen

Since 1980, Cheap Trick's Nielsen has used a custom-made Hamer five-neck guitar. Three have been made, the first weighing a hefty 28 pounds. "I actually play every neck every night," Nielsen says. Though Rick's instrument has 36 strings, Pat Methany owns a Pikasso guitar boasting 42 - though with a measly four necks.





LONGEST PERIOD WITHOUT SLEEP
Holder: Pete De Freitas

In 1986, the Echo & the Bunnymen drummer was part of a new band, the Sex Gods. Preparing to record in New Orleans, De Freitas took large quantities of acid, cocaine and Ecstacy, staying awake for 18 days straight and breaking from the narcotic ingestion only to take showers. He died in a motorcycle accident three years later.





LONGEST-RUNNING FEUD
Holders: Nas and Jay-Z

Simmering since 1996 - when Nas declined an invitation to appear on Jay-Z's debut album - Reasonable Doubt - this rivalry has sold records while leaving both protagonists alive. After nine years of disputing each other's virility, sexuality (typified by the unflattering Nas freestyle "H to the Omo") and arguing over who, really, was best, the animosity formally ended on October 27, 2005, when Nas invited Jay-Z onstage at the "I Declare War" concert in New Jersey.





FASTEST RECORDING OF A NO. 1 SINGLE
Holder: The Animals

According to producer Mickie Most, British R&B outfit the Animals' 1964 breakthrough hit, captured in one take, took just eight minutes to complete: "The first four minutes was the run-through, the second four minutes was the record." The single, "House of the Rising Sun," went on to top the charts on both sides of the Atlantic. The studio costs for the record were rumored to be around the $5 mark.
 
#3
LOWEST GOLF HANDICAP
Holder: Alice Cooper
The most-skilled recording artist around the greens is Alice Cooper. The ghoulish rocker took up golf as a substitute for drinking a bottle of whiskey each day. It was worth it: He now tees off at 6:30 every morning, his diligence rewarded with a mere five handicap.


FASTEST SELLING SEX TAPE
Holder: Paris Hilton
With about 600,000 copies in circulation, 1998's Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored remains one of the highest-selling adult films of all time. However, 1 Night in Paris (2004) - depicting heiress and occasional singer Paris Hilton expressing her love for now ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon - notched up unprecedented advance orders estimated at 200,000 and went on to pass the 500,000 mark.


MOST NECKS ON A SINGLE GUITAR
Holder: Rick Nielsen
Since 1980, Cheap Trick's Nielsen has used a custom-made Hamer five-neck guitar. Three have been made, the first weighing a hefty 28 pounds. "I actually play every neck every night," Nielsen says. Though Rick's instrument has 36 strings, Pat Methany owns a Pikasso guitar boasting 42 - though with a measly four necks.


LONGEST PERIOD WITHOUT SLEEP
Holder: Pete De Freitas
In 1986, the Echo & the Bunnymen drummer was part of a new band, the Sex Gods. Preparing to record in New Orleans, De Freitas took large quantities of acid, cocaine and Ecstacy, staying awake for 18 days straight and breaking from the narcotic ingestion only to take showers. He died in a motorcycle accident three years later.


LONGEST-RUNNING FEUD
Holders: Nas and Jay-Z
Simmering since 1996 - when Nas declined an invitation to appear on Jay-Z's debut album - Reasonable Doubt - this rivalry has sold records while leaving both protagonists alive. After nine years of disputing each other's virility, sexuality (typified by the unflattering Nas freestyle "H to the Omo") and arguing over who, really, was best, the animosity formally ended on October 27, 2005, when Nas invited Jay-Z onstage at the "I Declare War" concert in New Jersey.


FASTEST RECORDING OF A NO. 1 SINGLE
Holder: The Animals
According to producer Mickie Most, British R&B outfit the Animals' 1964 breakthrough hit, captured in one take, took just eight minutes to complete: "The first four minutes was the run-through, the second four minutes was the record." The single, "House of the Rising Sun," went on to top the charts on both sides of the Atlantic. The studio costs for the record were rumored to be around the $5 mark.
 
#4
LONGEST CONTINUALLY SERVING GROUPIE
HOlder: Connie Hamzy
Following a topless encounter as a 15-year-old in 1970 with Steppenwolf drummer Jerry Edminton, "Sweet Connie" Hamzy of Little Rock, Arkansas, built a reputation as the South's most accomplished groupie. Of her chief rivals, Pamela Des Barres is retired and Cynthia Plaster Carter spent much of the '70s on hiatus. Hanzy claims that her hundreds of conquests have included Huey Lewis, Vanilla Ice and Neil Diamond. She is immortalized in Grand Funk Railroad's 1973 song "We're and American Band": "Last night in Little Rock put me in a haze / Sweet, sweet Connie doin' her act." She continues operating to this day.


SHORTEST-LIVED VANITY PUBLICATION
Holder: Gene Simmons's Tongue
Running for five issues between spring 2002 and summer 2003, the Kiss bassist - who, in issue 3, interviewed himself - described his lifestyle magazine as "like Playboy with the clothes on." The life span of Puff Daddy's Notorious magazine was similarly brief, though it had been in existence before the Bad Boy mogul got involved. Puffy personally grilled cover star - and future girlfriend Jennifer Lopez for the September/October 1999 issue, posing such questions as, "Do you like me?"


MOST VALUABLE BEARD
Holders: Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill
While insurance for irreplacable celebrity body parts, such as Michael Flatley's $40 million legs, is common, facial hair has traditionally been seen as a less critical asset. Nonetheless, in 1984, it was rumored that ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons and bass player Dusty Hill declined an offer of $1 million each from Gilette to shave off their beards for a television commercial. "Can't do it, simply because what's underneath 'em is too ugly," reasoned Gibbons.


LONGEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
Holder: "As Slow As Possible" John Cage
Written by composer Cage in 1985, this was originally a 20-minute piano piece. However, a performance begun in Halberstadt, Germany, on September 5, 2001, is scheduled to last for 639 years, with the next note change coming in July 2008. "I have to accept the distinct possibility that I shall die before the concert is over," said organizer Michael Betzle.


HIGHEST STAGE DIVE
Holder: Sid Wilson
Touring the U.K. in 2000, the Slipknot DJ threw himself from a 30-foot-high balcony during a date in Wolverhampton. Wilson was unscathed, but the girl he landed on - 19-year-old Lyndsey Pearce - was hospitalized with a concussion. A contrite Wilson visited her bedside, but, according to fan sites, drummer Joey Jordison responded to the local council's proposed ban on the group by offering to send them "**** in a box."


MOST OBSCENITITES ON A HIP-HOP RECORD
Holder: Insane Clown Posse
Midway through "**** the World," a nihilistic song from the Detroit rap duo's 1999 album The Amazing Jeckel Brothers, Shaggy 2 Dope claims that "in this song I say **** 93 times," though the actual tally is 96. It also includes the word **** and one cock during its 3:43 running time. A clean version is also available.
 
#5
LARGEST ENTOURAGE
MC Hammer
At the peak of his fame following 1990's "U Can't Touch This" rapper MC Hammer had an entourage that typically numbered 40 people - memorably described on VH1 as "sizable enough to successfully invade Switzerland" - though in all, he employed 200 for total monthly wages of $500,000. The Hammer declared bankruptcy in 1996.

MOST EXPENSIVE VIDEO
Holder: "Scream"
At $7 million, Michael and Janet Jackson's 1995 sci-fi promo was almost triple the cost of the next priciest video, Puff Daddy's "Victory" (1998), which was rumored to be produced for a more modest $2.7 million. Janet's share of the daily makeup budget alone was a reported $8,000 a day.

MOST EXPENSIVE LYRICS
Holder: Bernie Taupin
In 1998m nonprofit children's charity the Lund Foundation paid $400,000 for three sheets of handwritten lyrics and a final printed version of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind 1997." Lyricist Bernie Taupin estimates it took him 90 minutes to come up with the words, which, at about $266,666 an hour, is nice work if you can get it.

SHORTEST ITALIAN TOUR
Holder: Bob Geldof
After learning that only 45 tickets have been sold for a planned show at Milan's Civic Arena - way short of the venue's 12,000 capacity - on July 21, 2006, former Boomtown Rats singer Bob Geldof refused to appear. "These aren't the right conditions for a concert," he reasoned to a disgruntled crowd waiting outside. Another date, set to take place in Rome the following day, was also cancelled due to disappointing ticket sales.

MOST EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF WINE[/i]
Holder: Duff McKagan
Guns N' Roses bassist Michael "Duff" McKagan attempted to wean himself off a daily intake of two liters of vodka, an eighth of an ounce of cocaine and some heroin by turning to the grape: "I stopped drinking vodka and replaced it with 20 bottles of wine a day. I thought I was cutting down," reasoned the man formerly known, for some reason, as the King of Beers. In 1994, McKagan's pancreas exploeded, and he hasn't touched a drop since.
 
#6
haha, this is great. Caitlin, do you type this up and the cosmo stuff too yourself? Or is it on a site? You're the best!

I don't get some of it though. don't a lot of people get life w/o parole? And what about the insomniacs? They probably stay up more than 18 days?
 
#8
cola262 said:
haha, this is great. Caitlin, do you type this up and the cosmo stuff too yourself? Or is it on a site? You're the best!

I don't get some of it though. don't a lot of people get life w/o parole? And what about the insomniacs? They probably stay up more than 18 days?
Click to expand...

I think they're only concerned with prison sentences and time without sleep in the music world. Like, what musician has the longest prison sentence? What musician went the longest without sleep?
 
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