I have a bad reputation

sonya

sonya

Member
Feb 23, 2006
5,447
13
#1
Just found out something very disturbing for a male "friend." (He's not really a friend, in fact he can be quite a jerk but I don't know how else to describe him.)

Sometimes I flirt, and it's all innocent. But then men will exaggerate (even though I'm basically a nun) and talk about me. I was pretty naive (and still am, but trying not to be). I live on a small campus at an "elite" school so I have a false sense of security. I used to leave clubs with guys from my school that I would meet the same night because they were interesting and I just wanted to hang out with them longer. (Their friends sometimes would see this.) Sometimes we would just go to Chinatown and have a late snack. Sometimes we would make out (but nothing more).

My "friend" said that guys don't want to be seen with me anymore because even though I'm attractive, I don't have a "great personality" because I'm a tease, and that a bunch of guys are saying this. I'm not sure how much of this is exaggerated but it's still disturbing nevertheless. I've shrunk away from the parties. I'm staying away from that crowd. But it's a really small school and I live on campus.

I guess I'm not so much looking for advice as I am ranting. :s I'm a really sensitive person and I don't like hurting people. I have been told that I confuse men because I seem promiscuous based on my flirting and how I dress when I go out (yes, I like short skirts and heels), but I'm actually pretty conservative. I have a hard time saying no to men even if I'm not interested in them. What I mean is that if someone I am not attracted to comes up to me, I talk to them until they leave. Sometimes I end up talking/dancing with one guy the entire night even if I'm not interested. Is this being a tease? Sometimes I am giving people a chance because I'm so much more interested in personality than looks.... I don't just straight out reject someone unless they are really aggressive or slimy. Then people get upset when I don't want to go back to their place to hook up.

I hate being misunderstood like this. I hate having this sort of reputation. :s
 
#2
That sucks... I guess at clubs and stuff there are a lot of expectations when a guy's talking to a girl for a long time and when those expectations are disappointed, guys will get mad. Actually, that's unfair to guys. If a cute boy flirted with me for a while then I found out he just wasn't interested I'd probably be fairly upset. I suppose you could call flirting and not delivering a bit of a tease. Not that I have a problem with that, but I see why guys might. Then again, I have a hard time of it sometimes too so I total understand you. Where do you go to school btw? Is it that small?
 
#3
As long as you feel good about how you conduct yourself... do not let other peoples miss-conceptions get to you! ultimtely you will move on, and lead a happy life!
 
#4
nerdphanie said:
That sucks... I guess at clubs and stuff there are a lot of expectations when a guy's talking to a girl for a long time and when those expectations are disappointed, guys will get mad. Actually, that's unfair to guys. If a cute boy flirted with me for a while then I found out he just wasn't interested I'd probably be fairly upset. I suppose you could call flirting and not delivering a bit of a tease. Not that I have a problem with that, but I see why guys might. Then again, I have a hard time of it sometimes too so I total understand you. Where do you go to school btw? Is it that small?
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You're right.... But some will say, let's go somewhere quieter where we can talk, or let's get something to eat or there's a better party elsewhere, let's go. I used to take that at face value. If that person was interesting I'd go with them. I don't do that anymore because I didn't understand that meant they wanted to go hook up. But I don't do that anymore. I've learned.

Plus the men at my school are very type A aggressive, used to getting what they want. (It's a business school!) They don't understand "no." I have guys who call me, convinced that I'm in love with them. I tell them straight up that I'm not, but they don't believe me. I tell them that I like their friend (which is true), but they don't care. There's no loyalty. The school is a larger business school, but a small campus nevertheless, about 1800 people.
 
#5
Aww sweetie I feel for you...in high school, I was a sports medicine trainer for the varsity and JV football team...needless to say, I had TONS of guy friends as a result:smile:

Some girls were really jealous of my status with those guys, so they always liked to try and act like I was hooking up with all of them...it was so irritating.

I am so sorry you are going through this...I would def. be upset too!
 
#6
hmm, sounds like me before I got married. I had ALOT of girls that hated me and called me a whore, slut you know the usual. I had alot of guy friends and I dated alor. BUt the funny thing is I was a virgin until I got married! Hmm, so much for being a whore! BUt I can totally relate to your situation. I hated it and I hated all those idiot girls (guys could be JUST as bad as girls as far as spreading rumors)
There is nothing you can really do. I just enjoyed my life! I loved going out and dancing all night with my friends and my sister and to me- that is the best revenge. I did not let them ruin my goodtimes. Even though in the back of my mind I would "sometimes" wish people would just stop talking crap. But oh well, I look back and I remember how much fun I had and how I was EXACLTY the opposite of the whore/tease they labeled me to be!!!
SO just ignore them and don't let those people stop you from enjoying your life.
monica
 
#8
Soz to hear of these malicious gossip. :sad:

But I feel that as long as you conduct yourself based on ya own moral standards, then you shouldn't care about what these people say. Ya real friends and people are who worth the trouble will know better than to listen to these hearsay, so maybe you can treat it like some sorta weeding process. :yes:
 
#9
People will almost invariably talk about pretty girls. I'm sure the situation is not as bad as it seems! Maybe he's exaggerating the extent of how people feel about you... sure, you may be a tease, but I doubt that causes real friends and worthwhile acquaintances to not want to be seen with you!
 
#10
the only guys that won't hang out with you because you're a "tease" are manwhores anyway!

i'd say take a look at your behavior to make sure that you're not creating expectations with people, but from what it sounds like, you're not doing anything wrong. ultimately, sounds like the guys are just mad that they didn't get a one-night stand out of you, which is NOTHING for you to be ashamed of!
 
#14
You said he's kind of a jerk--is it possible he's exaggerating? Anyway, sad to say, there is a double standard (will it ever go away???) with pretty women who are friendly. I hate to tell someone to behave based on how their actions appear to others, but at least consider that some of the things that aren't bad at all, may give people an incorrect impression. That's a fact of life, and we're judged on impressions, unfortuately.

Don't stress too much about it. Have a nice holiday away from campus.
 
#15
IMO he's probably just trying to get under your skin. In college I don't think its a big deal to end up making out with someone or going out for something to eat late at night, even if its just you and a guy. I used to wear pretty short skirts and some crazy outfits myself and I found that the sort of guys I liked didn't think my outfits meant anything about my morality. You're probably also just post-exam stessed and didn't need this jerk making comments - just think about your fabulous x-mas presents instead.
 
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