[twiggers]

Secret:

Last night I had an anxiety attack. It was about 2am and I had been in bed an hour, I wasn’t really thinking about anything in particular and I was sort of half falling asleep, certainly not laying there obsessing or working myself up into a state like I have some other nights. So I’m laying on my stomach, which is how I always sleep, and my chest starts hurting. I kept changing positions but the pressure in my chest was getting worse. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was vibrating. I tried to take deep breaths to slow my heart but I couldn’t get a proper breath. I got out of bed and went to the kitchen to take some asprin and suddenly everything went dark and I fell.
My husband said he heard me and came out and I had fainted for about 20-30 seconds, he managed to wake me up but I couldn’t breathe and my heart was going to explode. I must’ve only gotten dizzy and blacked out because of lack of oxygen to my brain. My husband said I was delirious, I kept saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry” over and over. I just remember he was holding me down because I couldn’t stop thrashing around, I felt like my body was going to explode. I know I scared him and I feel bad about that. When I was calming down and slowing my breathing I looked him in the eyes. His love was so great I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I wish I had died.

[twiggers]

Secret:

I’ve known that I’ve had HPV since December. I had a one night stand this weekend but did not tell him. I’m afraid no one will ever want me again if they know the truth.



I also came clean to a coworker I used to sleep with. I knew I had it, but didn’t tell him. He is now dating another girl at work who used to be my friend. She did not have the nerve to tell me she was dating him, so I used this as some thing to hold over her. Anytime I would look at them, I would feel good for passing on the virus to the both of them, kind of like revenge. Common sense tells me they both probably already had it anyway, as 80% of adults already do. Now that the truth is out, I feel bad. He did not yell at me, just said he was disappointed that now he had an STD.

[twiggers]

Secret:

If I had a cyanide pill, I would have taken it long ago. I have never been happy. I have tried to cut my wrists but it hurt too much. I think about killing myself at least every couple of months. I think these feelings are not as frequent as they used to be b/c I am changing things in my life but the thought is still there. I live in a rural area and all I would have to do is step out from the mailbox and be creamed by an 18-wheeler.

[aklein]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

I’ve known that I’ve had HPV since December. I had a one night stand this weekend but did not tell him. I’m afraid no one will ever want me again if they know the truth.
I also came clean to a coworker I used to sleep with. I knew I had it, but didn’t tell him. He is now dating another girl at work who used to be my friend. She did not have the nerve to tell me she was dating him, so I used this as some thing to hold over her. Anytime I would look at them, I would feel good for passing on the virus to the both of them, kind of like revenge. Common sense tells me they both probably already had it anyway, as 80% of adults already do. Now that the truth is out, I feel bad. He did not yell at me, just said he was disappointed that now he had an STD.

I hope it's ok to comment, as it didn't say not to comment. You should be aware that it is very difficult for a man to contract HPV (depending on the strain) from a woman. Because of anatomy, woman are more at risk for contracting STIs than men. That being said, I hope you are practicing safe sex.

[aklein]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

If I had a cyanide pill, I would have taken it long ago. I have never been happy. I have tried to cut my wrists but it hurt too much. I think about killing myself at least every couple of months. I think these feelings are not as frequent as they used to be b/c I am changing things in my life but the thought is still there. I live in a rural area and all I would have to do is step out from the mailbox and be creamed by an 18-wheeler.

Please please PLEASE talk to someone immediately. Even if you have these thoughts only once in a while, you need to talk to a professional about it. Suicide is never the answer. We all feel overwhelmed and alone at times, but that doesn't mean that choosing to end your life is the answer. While it may not feel like it, you have family and friends that love you and would miss you if you were not around.

[bernz84]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

I’ve known that I’ve had HPV since December. I had a one night stand this weekend but did not tell him. I’m afraid no one will ever want me again if they know the truth.



I also came clean to a coworker I used to sleep with. I knew I had it, but didn’t tell him. He is now dating another girl at work who used to be my friend. She did not have the nerve to tell me she was dating him, so I used this as some thing to hold over her. Anytime I would look at them, I would feel good for passing on the virus to the both of them, kind of like revenge. Common sense tells me they both probably already had it anyway, as 80% of adults already do. Now that the truth is out, I feel bad. He did not yell at me, just said he was disappointed that now he had an STD.

I had to comment on this one. Please educate yourself more on HPV; the more you know, the more likely you will be honest about your STD with your partners. I really, truly hope you are practicing safe sex; there is medication to control your outbreaks, if you have them. And there are SEVERAL people out there who are in relationships and haven't given their partners the virus...the issue here is timing and when it's okay to have sex.

[cutieupdate18]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

Something I just had to share.....feel free to comment....

I woke up today with a strange feeling.........dont know why and dont know what to do....

I see so many news stories of awful things happening all over the world...5 mil homeless in china...famine in Africa, molesters, horrible parents locking their kids up in their basement for years......I felt sick to my stomach...I felt like screaming at the top on my lungs....I wanted to cry so hard.....I felt stupid and selfish...

I wanted to sell all my bags and jewelry and donate the money...but I feel so helpless and distant....I dont feel guilty for buying them, just that so many others cant and are suffering while Im able to indulge my fancy........

I know that I cant change the world...but I wish I could...I really wish I could just wave a wand and cure everything....I feel angry...and I dont feel whole...I havent for awhile...how can I when so many are suffering and so little being done!!!!!!

I feel sad.....I dont know what to do....but something....something....I have this scrab bracelet I wear, to remind me that I am no different than those civilizations that came before us like the egyptians...we are all passing....we are here only for a short time and the world is so full of bulls***....

I dont know...I just dont know....
thanks for letting me vent!!!!!

I 1000% identify with this. It hurts me to see so many people in pain and to feel so powerless to help. I do give money to charities, but I feel like it's such a tiny drop in the ocean...

[lovinalotofbags]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

Where can i start

> i don't have any friends and afraid that am going 2 be friendless for ever

> its a very long story but i did really bad in HS with grades and i cant attend college unless i go to comm college ( with i have 2 much pride ) I'm afraid to Fail ... I'm afraid .. that am going to become a loser for not trying - but if a try and fail i don't think i can live

All in all i think about killing myself - So i shop for designer bags and clothes to make myself feel better

Community colleges do not have the stigma they had long ago. Everyone goes there now. I had professors who also taught at the University and preferred the Comm Coll. They are like mini universities. Apply and take classes.

[lovinalotofbags]

My prayers go out to you and family and that your sister will get better. Her calcium is high b/c of the cancer in her bones. She is retaining fluid probably from low protein in her blood, anemia, etc. Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

My sister is dying... What do I say? How can I relay everything that is in my heart? I love her. Her cancer is spreading. The diagnosis doesn't look good. If this treatment doesn't work, then that's it. She has been battling breast cancer since she was 29. She is now fixing to turn 36 in June. It is in her brain and bones. She tells my other sister that her bones hurt. And that she is tired of fighting, but I know she won't give up. She is lively, energetic, and honestly the best person I know. I don't want to lose her.

I keep telling myself she isn't dying, but the fact is that this treatment has a 50/50 chance of working. And it isn't going to cure her. It will just prolong life.

When her husband called all in tears, I knew it wasn't good.

I am angry. Angry at everything. Mostly angry that someone who has so much LIFE in her has to deal with this.

She is my sister. She has supported me in every decision I made in life.

For any medical personal reading this, her calcium levels are high and she is retaining water, though losing weight. I don't know what that means in the way of science, but she was in the hospital for over a week.

She even calls us to make sure we were not worried about her. In the hospital, my sister smuggles a cell phone so she can call us and tell us not to worry. She is drugged, delerious, and not making any sense. It took everything not to bawl on the phone with her.

I can't cry, but I can't do anything. I am numb and I have no idea why. If you made it this far thanks for reading.

[twiggers]

Response to a Secret:

To the poster who wrote in about HPV:

I too have HPV. I found out I had it in Apr of 07. To me, I don't look at HPV as an "STD" the way I looked at such diseases as Chlamydia, herpes, etc. HPV is very common. I got mine when I first got with my boyfriend of 1.5 years now. I love him to death, and he probably didn't even know he had it. I don't blame him. I got the gardasil shots and am going back for a pap on Monday. I am smarter now though and always learn from my mistakes. Please be careful. And just take care of yourself!

[Graciella]

I have a bit of a nasty secret. Last October I was out with some friends to celebrate a birthday. It was a special night since the whole town was out partying (the 3rd of october is a holiday in Leiden, the Netherlands). Naturally, we ran into some fellow Egyptology-students, amongst whom was this lovely guy I'd sort of already spotted in the library before, but since I kind of had a crush on someone else I hadn't really payed attention to him. Then all of a sudden this other guy I fancied walked into the club with his girlfriend and I was just about to cry. But then the other guy came up to me and gave me a drink. We started chatting and found out we'd been to the same high school. Everything was cool, but then he suddenly kissed me. I had never been kissed before (a bit pathetic at 21, I know) and it was wonderful. He was really sweet and we stuck together for about 15 minutes, until he said I'd better find someone else who did deserve me, since he kind of had a girlfriend in Egypt! I really couldn't believe it and just left. We haven't really spoken since (apart from the occassional 'hi') and I don't think he even knows how much he hurt me. I secretly hope he'll just leave his girlfriend, but of course that will never happen. The worst part is that one of my best friends is actually head over heels in love with him and has been for the past years (I only found this out afterwards). She's not mad at me or anything, but she is incredibly jealeous and tries very hard to keep him away from me and vice versa. I feel sick and awful about the whole thing and tell myself everyday I should just forget about him, but then he walks in with his curly dark hair and blue eyes and I just melt. Am I nuts? I'm just so afraid I'll be single for the rest of my life. Everytime I'm in love with someone, they're either taken, not interested or gay. I am just so insecure because of all of this it takes me about 2 hours everyday just to figure out what to wear and I'm sick of it.

[Kansashalo]

To the person who lost faith in God - I don't blame you. The whole meaning behind "God helps those who help themselves" never made sense to me because I figure that means I don't need God to go on in my life right? Ergo, the whole purpose behind my life had nothing to do with God. I haven't stopped believing in God per se, but I have a very conflicted relationship with God. I am pretty sure many of you will write me off as someone weak based off of what I wrote, but guess what? I DON'T CARE! Much of the worst advice on life I've received were from Christians anyway! Why should I believe you guys? They can't change the fact that I am angry at God! Ugh. I wish I were never born.

It's just a shame that I realize now that there is no purpose, no meaning behind living. Back when I still held hope for life, I felt like there was some sort of destiny we are meant to have. Sadly, I was horribly mistaken. Life has no purpose and I clearly have no sense of living. Peace out!

I just wanted to tell you that you're actually right. No where in the bible does it say that "God helps those who help themselves". I hate it when well meaning people say that because it isn't true. God (as it says in the bible) wants us to come to Him just as we are and right where we are. He doesn't want us to wait until we "get ourselves together" because seriously, if we knew how to "get it together" then we wouldn't be at the point of no return in our lives, kwim. Additionally, it's ok to be angry with God. In fact, in the bible, many people that God used in HUGE ways such as David, were angry at God too at some point in their lives. I have been myself. But the point of me pointing that out is this - encouraging Christians old and new to read the bible on their own and find out what it REALLY says and not to just depend on what "people say it says". It really is relevant to our lives today.

I've been a Christian all my life but I've also suffered from depression, hopelessness and the feeling that I God has me on his "block user" list because He is not listening to a think I say. So seriously, I know how you and the original poster feel. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose in life too.

Please PM me if you ever need to talk. I could say more but I won't. Just know that you're not alone and that there are others that have been there too.

[twiggers]

Secret:

People think I'm confident and well put together because I dress well and always look immaculate. But it's all a front. I believe that I have to make the effort to compensate for my faults.

When I am around people, I always feel like I'm the ugliest, most uninteresting person there. I got really self conscious during meetings and presentations and believed that people thought "she's so ugly, speaks funny and boring". I believe I held myself back in my career and go for jobs that I was overqualified to do because I believed I was not good enough to take the next step. When I'm at parties, I feel guilty if someone speaks to me too long as they are probably bored and want to talk to someone else. I am on maternity leave now and I feel that mothers in my mothers group don't really care if I'm there or not. They're forced to be nice to me but I don't really matter. When I'm typing a post on tPF, I get afraid no one would read it or respond to it. Even now, I feel like my secret is not even unique!

I don't make friends easily because people think I'm aloof and snooty, but it's because I'm shy and am afraid they don't really want to be friends with me.

I am afraid that my children would be like me, especially my daughter, so I made a promise to always give them positive affirmations and make them realise how loved and special they are.

[Kansashalo]

((HUGS)) to /\/\/\/\ poster.

You are beautiful! And you're even more beautiful because you've recognized that fact that your own shyness and insecurity is something that you do now want to pass on to your daughter.

I know what you mean about feeling insecure of ones self....believe me I do. One way that I'm trying to overcome that is to focus on those activities/things that I am good at. For example, I've recently rediscovered my love for painting....and wow, I'm really good at it! I always knew I could draw but as I got older and did other things (college, work, etc) it fell to the wayside. I let something that I was good at (which helps you gain confidence) get pushed to the back in order to do those things that society/your family tell you that you are supose to do, even if you stuggle with it (therefore causing you to doubt yourself).

[nathansgirl1908]

Originally Posted by Kansashalo

I just wanted to tell you that you're actually right. No where in the bible does it say that "God helps those who help themselves". I hate it when well meaning people say that because it isn't true. God (as it says in the bible) wants us to come to Him just as we are and right where we are. He doesn't want us to wait until we "get ourselves together" because seriously, if we knew how to "get it together" then we wouldn't be at the point of no return in our lives, kwim. Additionally, it's ok to be angry with God. In fact, in the bible, many people that God used in HUGE ways such as David, were angry at God too at some point in their lives. I have been myself. But the point of me pointing that out is this - encouraging Christians old and new to read the bible on their own and find out what it REALLY says and not to just depend on what "people say it says". It really is relevant to our lives today.

I've been a Christian all my life but I've also suffered from depression, hopelessness and the feeling that I God has me on his "block user" list because He is not listening to a think I say. So seriously, I know how you and the original poster feel. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose in life too.

Please PM me if you ever need to talk. I could say more but I won't. Just know that you're not alone and that there are others that have been there too.

I love this post. You are so right.

And I never could wrap my mind around that whole, "God helps those who help themselves." thing either. To be honest I have found that so many people come up with random sayings that really don't have any biblical basis.