[arireyes]

Originally Posted by PurseFanatic

TOTAL BS!!!! If he wants to give his old parents all that money after you have been his wife, loved him, lived with him, shared a life with him, then I say let him have JUST his parents in his life. PLEASE!!! His parents should take care of themselves and not have to rely on their son.

Who's the secondary beneficiary if his parents die before him? I say it sounds like he is making sure you have nothing. Be very careful of this guy I say, sounds as if there is other money arrangements you probably don't know about either.

I could understand if he had a will and asked you to please give a portion of it to his parents but this is ridiculous, it doesn't matter if it was accumulated before or after the wedding, you're his wife and he has just basically told you he doesn't give a rip what happens to you once he's gone.

It also sounds like he expects you to sell the house if he dies, what if you don't want to?

You should change all your documents to someone else if that is how he wants to play. Watch your back with this guy. Husband or not.

Agreed I'm Sorry I wouldn't know what to do, I'd be questioning everything

[SPOILEDkiwi]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

Tonight my DH of 4 years asked me to sign a waiver for his 401K retirement plan since he wanted to name his elderly parents (ages 75 and 80) as beneficiaries to this account. For those that don't know, if you are married, your spouse is automatically your beneficiary according to federal law, unless the other spouse signs a waiver. There was no discussion regarding this beneficiary change at all prior to him handing me the paper and I got rather emotional. I don't know where it came from but my eyes welled up with tears and I cried. He was like, "Well this is a second marriage for both of us and since we were older when we married (I was 39 and he was 45) and since we do not have children, you will get enough money from our house if I should die. And, we weren't even married when I made most of the money in my 401K and I should be able to do what I want with my money. Blah blah blah." He added that I was being greedy and selfish and had a lot of time to work and earn money for myself before I retire, and that he has a right to divide up his estate the way he sees fit and he would like his parents to have the money. I was still bleery-eyed and he was mad and irritated with me for being emotional. I really couldn't explain why I was upset--I am trying to get a grip on it. I think what I am feeling is that he doesn't care about me and this action on his part made me feel alone and not important. I assure you it was not because I saw him as some big ticket to easy street when he dies. We are middle class and not what you would call rich. Is there anyone out there in tPF land that has this same situation? Why was it so emotional for me? I am really afraid that this will cause some damage in how I feel about our relationship. (Oh, and I did tell him that he was the beneficiary on my IRAs and I was going to change that.)

I can see where he's coming from although I think he went about it the wrong way. I know that if I were to die before my parents when we're older, they would be screwed. If I was in his situation I would probably leave my money to my parents incase I die first, especially if I don't have children. Maybe he thinks that you will be okay financially if he dies, but his parents will suffer drastically, and he wants to make it absolutely certain that they will be ok. I think he should have explained it to you before hand instead of just asking you to sign papers on the spot. I would have probably got emotional too in your situation.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

My secret is if when me and my SO are fighting I swear or yell anything he thinks is "disrespectful" he goes all insane and slaps me and insults me in so many ways. Even being "secret" I am too ashamed to say. For the first time he bruised me. He never takes responsibility for his actions at all EVER. His idea of any kind of apology is:

"I’m sorry I flipped on you but I honestly can’t stand the attitude. Instead of being so pushy and talk back when I’m not arguing is rude and annoying. And then don’t get mad at me for you being pushy and annoying. Please weigh it if it’s worth it to open your mouth next time. Besides the fact, you know how I feel about a foul mouth on a lady especially if it’s directed directly at me; you’ve already seen how I feel even if it’s my own sister so don’t do it."

No one knows this. I am ashamed to even say I am with someone like this. It's by far an excuse but he was raised like this. His parents have no problem with him hitting his sister or me. Yes they know.

Wow... I'd hatch a "perfect plan" to have him destroyed financially by secretly documenting every word, actions, anything of that man... then clean him out for good when I leave. He won't even know what is coming.. I'll be so submissive & secretive.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

I am about $8,000 in debt and not working right now, however since my birthday is coming up I am going to buy myself a new designer bag. It’s been about 3 years since I’ve had one and as soon as I get a job, it is going to be my first purchase. Sad I know but since I’m about 70 pounds overweight I can’t buy designer clothes. (I’m working out and losing weight but it’s been slow) I’m sick and tired of saving money and never spending when I have it. I do little jobs here and there and all that money goes to bills. Once I have money coming in steadily, I’m spending on myself. I have no one that buys me gifts. I only have a brother and a father and neither one of them buy me birthday gifts. My boyfriend is in serious debt reduction mode so I know he can’t do it, he wouldn’t even if he could.

Errrr... is that a right way to get out of debt? If I were you, I would spend the money for that new purse on the debt for my birthday. Seriously, you think people in debt & stressing when the next cheque is coming in in today's economy would "wisen up" & help themselves... not sabotage themselves more by "spending".

A new purse does not make one "richer", 'better" or "more attractive" etc..., a person who has a grip in life does (debt free, self love, wealth in spirit, health & financial etc..); a new purse is not about loving yourself in this moment of time.... in fact, getting out of debt is loving yourself!

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

Im unhappy in my relationship. I cant get out of it because I live with him and I wont be able to manage anything on my own. He looks after me. Ill be more in debt then i am if he wasnt there. Im normally the one doing all the housework chores around the home and the least he could do is not make an argument over it and tell me its my job to do it anyways since his bringing the bacon home. I dont mind just I wish he would appriciate everything I do...instead of telling me that its my job. I cry myself to sleep because my partner wont listen to my stresses or my problems on work and school. He may be finacially paying for the bills and rent but Im putting in the effort to keep the relationship and household going.
Everytime I bring something up, he turns it around and bring the attention upon himself and tells me how many of his own problems he has. Everythings about him.
Im fine with that, I dont mind being considerate and being the listener, if only in return he would be more attentive to my feelings and my own stresses.
I hate it how its always his happiness.
What about mine?
I resent the fact I have no one to talk too because he is so overpossessive and emotionally destructive, none of my friends keep in contact with me. My partner use to cut himself when I paid any attention talking to my friends or meeting them up for coffee in the early stages.
It upsets me that I find it hard enough to open up to anyone and when I do, Ive lost them.
My partner says I can talk to him but everytime when I do, he drifts into his own selfishness.

An ex bf i still keep in touch with worries about my wellbeing with my current partner. Ive had to stop speaking to him because my partner's very unreasonable and locked me out of our place when he found out i was talking to my ex bf often. I spend the night on the streets downstairs our apartment. I didnt have anyone to go too, i was just alone.
All I just want is someone to talk too. Someone to care. But I cant talk to anyone because Im worried my partner would get made and do something that'll hurt me.

His riped my handbag, stolen my phone, harrassed my friends,slapped me when he thought i was seeing different guys, abandon me in a remote area with nothing...

I love him so Ive toss everything his done aside hoping we can make a better future but i cant handle keeping everything inside anymore... Im just so down..
Both coming from troubled families, i think sometimes he just needs more attention and to know i wont leave..

Where are your family/relatives??? Someone you can lean back on? He sounds like an abuser and you may really need to be less reliant on him financially. Get a job if you have no family close by... seriously!!!! Even if he is great to you, what happens if something happens to him one day leaving you without any financial means???

[chuggie]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

Tonight my DH of 4 years asked me to sign a waiver for his 401K retirement plan since he wanted to name his elderly parents (ages 75 and 80) as beneficiaries to this account. For those that don't know, if you are married, your spouse is automatically your beneficiary according to federal law, unless the other spouse signs a waiver. There was no discussion regarding this beneficiary change at all prior to him handing me the paper and I got rather emotional. I don't know where it came from but my eyes welled up with tears and I cried. He was like, "Well this is a second marriage for both of us and since we were older when we married (I was 39 and he was 45) and since we do not have children, you will get enough money from our house if I should die. And, we weren't even married when I made most of the money in my 401K and I should be able to do what I want with my money. Blah blah blah." He added that I was being greedy and selfish and had a lot of time to work and earn money for myself before I retire, and that he has a right to divide up his estate the way he sees fit and he would like his parents to have the money. I was still bleery-eyed and he was mad and irritated with me for being emotional. I really couldn't explain why I was upset--I am trying to get a grip on it. I think what I am feeling is that he doesn't care about me and this action on his part made me feel alone and not important. I assure you it was not because I saw him as some big ticket to easy street when he dies. We are middle class and not what you would call rich. Is there anyone out there in tPF land that has this same situation? Why was it so emotional for me? I am really afraid that this will cause some damage in how I feel about our relationship. (Oh, and I did tell him that he was the beneficiary on my IRAs and I was going to change that.)

This situation amounts to a surprise attack by your husband and you have every right to be emotional/upset. Please do not sign this waiver. I think a spouse's first priority should be to their SO. If something happened to him, it doesn't seem fair that you would have to sell your home to just cover your costs and expenses.

You didn't say anything regarding the type of financial situation his parents have. If they have significant funds to cover their living expenses, then his request is clearly unreasonable. If they do rely on your husband for funds, then perhaps he would be willing to work out an arrangement where they get a certain amount of money upon his passing. This effort would show good faith on your part. If he won't agree, then suggest counseling. He actually seems like the one that is being very selfish about the entire situation. I mean, what about the money he has earned since you have been married? Are you really suppose to disclaim rights to that money as well? Yep, I'd be one pissed off camper.

I hope you can work things out. If not, document everything (as suggested by others) and contact a good lawyer. You don't have to get a divorce, but you should figure out how to protect yourself in case this isn't his last attempt to shield his assets from you.

[risingsun]

Originally Posted by chuggie

This situation amounts to a surprise attack by your husband and you have every right to be emotional/upset. Please do not sign this waiver. I think a spouse's first priority should be to their SO. If something happened to him, it doesn't seem fair that you would have to sell your home to just cover your costs and expenses.

You didn't say anything regarding the type of financial situation his parents have. If they have significant funds to cover their living expenses, then his request is clearly unreasonable. If they do rely on your husband for funds, then perhaps he would be willing to work out an arrangement where they get a certain amount of money upon his passing. This effort would show good faith on your part. If he won't agree, then suggest counseling. He actually seems like the one that is being very selfish about the entire situation. I mean, what about the money he has earned since you have been married? Are you really suppose to disclaim rights to that money as well? Yep, I'd be one pissed off camper.

I hope you can work things out. If not, document everything (as suggested by others) and contact a good lawyer. You don't have to get a divorce, but you should figure out how to protect yourself in case this isn't his last attempt to shield his assets from you.

If my husband suddenly made such a demand from me, I would schedule an appointment with an attorney. I think you need to protect yourself. Something is going on and I'm not so sure this is about caring for elderly parents. There are other ways to do this, if they need it. Find out what your rights are and sign nothing! Let us know how this works out.

[twiggers]

Update..

Update re: 401K



First off, BigPurseSue thank you for taking time to respond to my post. You are a wise woman and have helped me greated. I can't begin to tell you how appreciative I am for your post. Since last night, I have conveyed to DH that despite what he said about me being greedy or selfish, that I am not. I am in fact the type of person that if he expressed to me to take care of his parents financially or otherwise should he pass away, I would carry out those wishes. In fact, if he were to pass away without ever mentioning anything like that to me I would know that he would take care of them and I would step in and act on his behalf. That is who I am. I am pretty sure that is why I felt hurt. It felt as if he didn’t really know me or trust me talk about it. He said that he would like to change the designation to 50% to his parents and 50% to me.

[nathansgirl1908]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Secret:

Tonight my DH of 4 years asked me to sign a waiver for his 401K retirement plan since he wanted to name his elderly parents (ages 75 and 80) as beneficiaries to this account. For those that don't know, if you are married, your spouse is automatically your beneficiary according to federal law, unless the other spouse signs a waiver. There was no discussion regarding this beneficiary change at all prior to him handing me the paper and I got rather emotional. I don't know where it came from but my eyes welled up with tears and I cried. He was like, "Well this is a second marriage for both of us and since we were older when we married (I was 39 and he was 45) and since we do not have children, you will get enough money from our house if I should die. And, we weren't even married when I made most of the money in my 401K and I should be able to do what I want with my money. Blah blah blah." He added that I was being greedy and selfish and had a lot of time to work and earn money for myself before I retire, and that he has a right to divide up his estate the way he sees fit and he would like his parents to have the money. I was still bleery-eyed and he was mad and irritated with me for being emotional. I really couldn't explain why I was upset--I am trying to get a grip on it. I think what I am feeling is that he doesn't care about me and this action on his part made me feel alone and not important. I assure you it was not because I saw him as some big ticket to easy street when he dies. We are middle class and not what you would call rich. Is there anyone out there in tPF land that has this same situation? Why was it so emotional for me? I am really afraid that this will cause some damage in how I feel about our relationship. (Oh, and I did tell him that he was the beneficiary on my IRAs and I was going to change that.)

I'm sure part of your emotion had to do with feeling like he was being unfair. But maybe some of your emtion also had to do with the fact that you were essentially discussing his death. I know sometimes when discussions like this take place, people get angry about one thing, but in reality they are upset at the thought of having to face the loss of their loved one.

ETA: I'm glad you had this discussion with him.

[illinirdhd]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Update..

Update re: 401K



First off, BigPurseSue thank you for taking time to respond to my post. You are a wise woman and have helped me greated. I can't begin to tell you how appreciative I am for your post. Since last night, I have conveyed to DH that despite what he said about me being greedy or selfish, that I am not. I am in fact the type of person that if he expressed to me to take care of his parents financially or otherwise should he pass away, I would carry out those wishes. In fact, if he were to pass away without ever mentioning anything like that to me I would know that he would take care of them and I would step in and act on his behalf. That is who I am. I am pretty sure that is why I felt hurt. It felt as if he didn’t really know me or trust me talk about it. He said that he would like to change the designation to 50% to his parents and 50% to me.

Sounds like a great resolution. If my DH asked me to let him designate half of his retirement to his parents, I would agree - he had that 401 for almost 10 years before we got married! I'm glad you talked to your husband and are feeling better. This is an emotional thing in so many ways, and men are rarely good at approaching a sensitive subject delicately. They're often bulls in china shops. It doesn't mean they love us any less.

[chuggie]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Update..

Update re: 401K



First off, BigPurseSue thank you for taking time to respond to my post. You are a wise woman and have helped me greated. I can't begin to tell you how appreciative I am for your post. Since last night, I have conveyed to DH that despite what he said about me being greedy or selfish, that I am not. I am in fact the type of person that if he expressed to me to take care of his parents financially or otherwise should he pass away, I would carry out those wishes. In fact, if he were to pass away without ever mentioning anything like that to me I would know that he would take care of them and I would step in and act on his behalf. That is who I am. I am pretty sure that is why I felt hurt. It felt as if he didn’t really know me or trust me talk about it. He said that he would like to change the designation to 50% to his parents and 50% to me.

Thanks for giving us an update. This solution seems much more reasonable to me. I hope that everything works out.

[hamstahon]

Originally Posted by twiggers

Well I've got a pile to post...got a little busy at school today!

I have an inverted nipple, its so embarrassing, I don't even want my boyfriend to touch my breasts or look at them. I want to get surgery to correct it, but I'm scared they are going to think I'm a freak. I know I'm not the only one in the world, and I know its actually quite common, but I still feel like a freak. Its just one nipple, so I think that makes it even worse, I feel lop sided.
Thank you for listening. Comments are welcome, if you arent afraid to admit that you also have an inverted breast, I would like to know that Im not alone!

i'm a little late to the game, but i had to comment on this one. i have one too, just one. it really bugged me when i was younger and i even tried to see if my sister could invert one of hers so we'd match, but it didn't work. now that i'm more, ahem, developed i don't notice it that much anymore, but it's still there. hope this makes you feel better!

[twiggers]

From 401K Poster:

I should have really thanked each and everyone of you for your comments and feedback. I am especially grateful for your input. illinirdhd thank you for your last post; many times I need to be reminded that men are not women and approach things entirely differently than woman do.

And, thank you Twiggers for providing this resource for us.

[twiggers]

Secret:

Where can i start

> i don't have any friends and afraid that am going 2 be friendless for ever

> its a very long story but i did really bad in HS with grades and i cant attend college unless i go to comm college ( with i have 2 much pride ) I'm afraid to Fail ... I'm afraid .. that am going to become a loser for not trying - but if a try and fail i don't think i can live

All in all i think about killing myself - So i shop for designer bags and clothes to make myself feel better

[twiggers]

^^^^There is nothing to be ashamed about community college. I had to go to one and start with 9th grade math! I spent 2 years there, transferred to a top 50 university, and am doing a PhD at a top 20 school!!!!!! No one cares about community colleges....do the 2 years and then transfer to a 4 year. People only care about where your bachelors degree came from!