Open Letters: Dear...

[slidegirlcass]

This is a new one:

Dear BF:

Tonight I opted out of watching F1 with you because I was watching Weeds on Instant Netflix in the office on my computer. I wore the headphones so that our shows didnt compete with one another but they arent magic, and I can still hear some of whats going on in the other room. That meant I was able to hear you singing along to some crappy SugarRay song from a commercial, doing your own commentary on the race, and telling your mom that we would be at her Easter dinner tomorrow. Really? I didnt know anything about that second dinner. I hope she doesnt set a place for me, because after we go to your aunts house in the morning I am coming home and vegging out - be sure to let her know I was only made aware of her dinner the night before...by accident. She seems to be under the impression that you are reliable and actually talk to me, which we both know is totally false. Maybe she will believe me when I dont show up tomorrow night and then she can finally stop saying "My Tommy is PERFECT" everytime I say something about you.

Sincerely,

Annoyed In The Office

[nycgr1]

Dear hubby,
Thank you for taking such EXCELLENT care of our 2 daughters while I was on a long, long deployment.Thank you for all of my care packages(big containers)full of books, goodies etc..everytime mail was delivered to our ship I always had something.
Thank you for making sure both of our daughters were able to have birthday parties,easter egg painting, all the hoildays I missed. My friends say I am lucky because you support my decision to finish my enlistment and get out of the navy and stay home to take care of our family.I KNOW I am lucky.I tell you I love you all the time and I really mean it.You are a extraordinary man.I love you with everything I have.

Love always
S

[candace117]

Dear people outside of the Salem Center mall that protest every Wednesday,

Please throw away your signs that are talking smack about soldiers. Keep the other ones, I don't care, but don't stand there all smug, smelling your own farts and getting euphoric off them, and then pointing to your sign when I drive by at lunch. You aren't impressing anybody but your own little group of friends.

I am going to work every day with honor and pride. What are you doing?

Sincerely,
Soldier that caused the war, put our economy into a recession, told the president how to run the country into the ground, and made Iraq a bad place to go.

[cristalena56]

dear irresponsible parents,

thank you for coming to our store and letting your kids run around knock over things, scream at the top of their lungs, and play hide and go seek in the racks. Then constantly let them be rude by pushing in front of people and asking a million questions when im busy helping ring out customers, and half of the time them asking in a language i dont understand. Then when its your turn you yell at us about how a mess our store is and how you cant find anything. Then try to tell us something is on clearance and should be 75% off when clearly right behind them is the rack the items came from with a clearly stated sign of on sale for 30% off. Thank you for making our job such a pleasant one.

Sincerely your respectable sears cashier

[cristalena56]

dear rude customer,

thank you for coming into our store and spitting in our face and telling us about how our store was 50 years ago, before there was computers and credit cards, and how you could always return stuff yadda yadda. then inform us how you will never shop at sears again, and how yo will shop at home dept and lowes for now on. Give the store the finger and walk out, but only to return a week later to make a purchase. thank you, its always a pleasure to have you shopping at sears.

sincerely your appreciative cashier

[Kiss Me Deadly]

OMG, these letters are hillllariouuuuussssss

keep em coming!

[cristalena56]

dear unappreciative employers,

thank you for making my job miserable and making me do your job as well as my own. thank you for telling us cashiers that we are the most important job in the whole store, and thank us by paying us only 7 dollars and 4 cents an hour and for our raises giving us a measily 13 cents yearly. thank you for piling and piling more work for us to do, and instead of thanking us for the hard work they just give us more work and tell us to do it in a timely fashion and to fix this and this from what we just did even though we told you to do it this way. then while also doing 4 other peoples jobs dont forget to sell those people those credit cards even though your not a salesperson just a cashier. Make those customers mad by asing them a million questions when all they want to do us be rang up and pay for their item in a timely fashion so they can get to their next destination. Dont forget to bring those shiny bubbly faces to work and even greet and smile every customer even when you are not even clocked in, and if we catch you not doing this we will write you up for bad customer service and making our store look bad even though you dont even have your name tag on and nobody knows you work there. thank you for making my life at work h-e- double hockey sticks.

sincerely your happy, everyday sears employee

[cristalena56]

dear co-worker,

thank you for calling out yesterday when the store was already shorthanded. thank you for taking away our breaker til the next person came in at 2 o clock and making me have my lunch and break an hour before i had to clock out to go home. thank you for making me have to work at the worst department ever and having to deal with a bunch of rude annoying little kids running around making a mess of everything, while their parents looked, shrugged their shoulders and rambling on really loudly in a different language while constantly looking up at me and laughing since you know i couldnt understand a single thing you were saying. Then making me have to figure out for half an hour somebody to come into replace me, while calling the managers they kept telling me to hold on that they would find somebody. then the people they find arent even at work, when you just finally give up in frustration and walk out of the store and leave to go home.

thank you your adoring co-worker

[cristalena56]

dear people with no life that continue to fill up my e-mail box with junk,

thank you for being so bored with your miserable lives when i need to check my e-mail for an important message i have to go through and delete your bull crap. no i dont want any enlargement pills for a part i dont even havem no i dont need my colon cleansed, i dont need your supposedly miracle diet pill that will probably make me gain 10 pounds, i dont need my own mail order bride from asia, no i dont need to see any sluts sorry i dont swing that way, no you dont know me and i will never know you so stop telling me i do, sorry i am not a dumba.. that i will be fooled into your scam and hand over my personal info in a snap, i dont need your miracle plans to make more money because i probably end up in thousands in debt when before i was debt free, i dont need female viagra or male viagra for that matter since im not a MALE my sex drive is just fine thank you ask my husband, no i didnt win some made up uk lottery because 1 i dont live in the uk and b i dont think i would hear about winning over an e-mail i would have my ticket in hand and would be watching the telly as you call it and screaming at the top of my lungs and calling whoever i need to be calling, im sorry that supposedly somebody is dire need for some money for whatever reason when in reality your just some scumbag probably really wanting money to buy stuff to add to your porno collection which im sorry dude give your hand a rest already, etc.. etc... thank you for my making my e-,ail experience a pleasant one and having to see all your bullcrap

sincerely a very unsatisfied e-mail user

[Pursegrrl]

Dear pushy neighbors,

Thanks for steamrolling through an assessment for all of us to have our townhouse complex repainted at the worst possible time of the year, November! And thanks to the rest of my neighbors who behaved like sheep and went along with this BS.

We all know how delightful the weather is here in Seattle in the fall/winter, and with November being so especially cheery and sunny (NOT!!) we blindly followed in your selfish path. Not many of us had any of our homes repainted right away, and a couple of us here on the end of the row still await a paint job after your scraping of our homes (thus house looking like sh*t) over 4 months later). I'm so glad I forked out my 4-figure portion of this 4 months ago and have yet to reap any benefits.

*I* know why you pulled this stunt, steamrollers. You wanted to get your home sold quickly but you were so clueless in thinking a paint job would sell your home quicker during the real estate crisis PLUS pricing your home $100k over what it should have been listed at. Shame on you and your realtor for listing something so arrogantly overpriced. Now you're feelin' the burn eh??? You have to foot two mortgages despite dropping your price down twice (which is STILL too high you morons).

[rachieface]

Originally Posted by rachieface

Dear Mom, You are my favorite person on the planet. You're my best friend. I love you beyond comprehension....but I may not like him! We're just going for coffee! Your dream of your daughter marrying a doctor may be squashed with something just as small as chewing with his mouth open or winking after every sentence! I might be high maintenance and enjoy expensive things but I am WAY more attracted to the Verizon guys working on the cable lines on the main road than a doctor, most days. This. Is. One. Date. Please stop pretending I am winning the lottery oh so soon. Love, Your daughter.

Dear Mom,

Maybe you were right about the doctor....

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by rachieface

Dear Mom, Maybe you were right about the doctor....

good luck with the doc, hun !

[margaritaxmix]

slidegirlcass: You're my new hero :) Your letters are so witty and hilarious!

[Pursegrrl]

Originally Posted by abbygirl

Dear High school classmates, specifically you girls: It has been 25 years since we graduated and you are still the same snobish bitches you were back then. Yes, I do look good for my age and I can't help you chose to HAVE A FAT ASS. I work hard on keeping trim. I am in no way thin, but compared to you ladies, I am a friggin stick. Suck it up or put the fork down. You have a choice. I'm just sayin. Btw, I might as well go ahead and tell you, your husband(s) tried to hit on us all evening. In this case, payback could have really been a bitch for you all, but fortunately for you, we are happily married, and maybe even better, your husbands were ugly. Take that bitches.

OMG, raow!! Go, abbygirl!

[Roo]

Dear Hubby's Ex Wife:

I am sooo sorry to hear your boyfriend's adult daughter hates your guts. It must be hard when a 30 year old woman tells you not to get any ideas about her father's assets should he decide to drop dead. Must have been a shock to you that she got your number so quickly-- but I give her kudos for spotting you for the opportunist that you are. Can you really blame her? She saw that you moved in with her father within one month of your child support ending from us. I am hoping that your boyfriend outlives you so that his daughter won't have to see what a true VULTURE you really are... but as my darling hubby says, "vampires live forever" so we're not holding our breath.

Since you've tried to make our lives miserable for over a decade, I have no sympathy for you and I hope this man's daughter gives you hell. Karma is a b*tch. See ya at the trailerpark, hun!

Love, Roo