Open Letters: Dear...

[madamefifi]

Dear C.....


It is agonizing for me to hear that, when I thought you had hit rock bottom last year, you still had further to fall. It hurts me more than you will ever know or care that you are now homeless, jobless, and alone. I picture you sitting in some shabby motel room with no one to talk to and nothing to do except drink and use. I want to ask WHY?? but there is no answer to that question. I want to say JUST STOP!! but I know you can't. If I could wave a magic wand and take away all the problems in your life that made you turn to drugs and alcohol, and SAVE YOU, I would. I wish so much that you could look in the mirror and see someone worth fighting for, instead of someone you apparently want to destroy.

You cannot move in with me. I cannot give you any money. If you are not willing to get sober...please don't call me anymore.

I love you.

M.

[LouisLady]

Dear CALLERS,

THANK U FOR MAKING ME HATE MY JOB. THANK U FOR PUSHING ME TO PUTTING IN MY TWO WEEKS. I HATE IT WHEN YOU PEOPLE SAY " YOU PEOPLE!" I HATE IT WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON ME AND ASK ME WHERE THE HELL YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS ARE BECAUSE I DON'T FREAKING KNOW...!!! THIS IS A MAIL SERVICE PHARMACY, NOT YOUR LOCAL PHARMACY. IF YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH, YOU WOULD OF SENT IN YOUR RX'S EARLIER THAN WAIT UNTIL YOU WERE DOWN TO YOUR LAST 5 PILLS TO DO IT. THIS IS A MAIL SERVICE!!!!!!!!!! . REMEMBER, I AM JUST A PEE-ON, IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE, DONT' WASTE YOUR BREATH ON ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY HIGH AUTHORITY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. FREAKIN JUST ASK FOR A SUPERVISOR B/C I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TRANSFER YOU TO THEM SO THAT THEY CAN DEAL WITH YOUR SNOBBY,CRANKY,BITER,STUPID @$$. I JUST WORK HERE. I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE IT WHEN YOU CALL IN AND TREAT ME LIKE CRAP. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DAY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST CALL IN AND FIND SOMEONE TO BE A BITCH TO.

AND YES!!! YOU DO HAVE TO #($#*()$ VERIFY YOUR *WHOLE* ADDRESS,PHONE NUMBER, FULL NAME--NOT YOUR NICK NAME OF WHAT YOU GO BY, OH YEAH, AND THAT MEANS YOUR STATE PLUS THE ZIP CODE. THIS IS FOR YOUR DARN PROTECTION UNLESS YOU DONT MIND SOMEONE ELSE CALLING IN PRETENDING TO BE YOU SO THAT THEY CAN GET YOUR MEDICATIONS. ALSO, IF I MUST REMIND YOU, I AM A PEE-ON AT WORK. EVERY CALL IS BEING MONITORED AND IF I EVEN LET YOU SLIP WITH NOT VERIFIYING YOUR LOUSY AREA CODE TO THE PHONE #, I CAN GET FIRED! SO YES! YOU DO NEED TO VERIFY YOUR INFO!

SINCERLY,
CUSTOMER SERVICE "ADVOCATE"

[mastermemei]

Dear Sports Team Manager,
There are rumors that you will trade my favorite team and its giving me chills. Please don't do that!

Begging you,
Your Avid Fan

[Liz_x3]

Dear Mother,

99% of the time I'm really glad that you're not involved in my life but there's 1% of me that wishes you would reply to my "Just saying Hi!" emails.

[k2sealer]

Dear Team Leader,

Thank you for telling me that I have the easiest job on the whole wing. Strange how no one else on the team offered to do it when I offered to change jobs with anyone who wanted it. Maybe that's because none of them like to seal in the smallest area in the wing, with a mirror, and with your non-dominant hand. I really appreciate that you think my work is of so little value. Did you ever think that, maybe, the reason it looks like my job is easy is because I'm really good at it? Maybe if you should pay more attention to my co-workers who take more than an hour to get to the wing in the morning to start working instead of nit-picking at me. I ALWAYS get my job done. Why isn't anything done about the people who don't finish their jobs? Oh, wait, I forgot. Something is done about the people who don't finish - They get help.

[slidegirlcass]

Dear Other Mothers From Ryans School -

Just because I am a nanny and Ryans parents pay me to take care of HIM does not mean that you can arrange playdate after playdate with him and use me as free childcare. I dont see any extra $$$ for taking care of your awful hellspawn but I do it because Ryan loves his friends. When I call you to cancel a playdate for whatever reason please dont try explaining that you cant cancel because you "already made other plans for that time and cant take Hellspawn home after school". Also please stop calling and leaving messages when you know the house is empty saying you want Hellspawn to come visit Ryan and you are "sure this is fine so he will just know to leave with you on Tuesday" - no, it is not okay. When I call you to say so dont try to act like Ryans mom okayed it. Im not a idiot. I swear, if you do it again (making it 5 times since September) I will seriously leave him at the school. I hate you all and Im not one of you - this is just my job.

Love & Kisses,

Ryans Irritated Nanny

[slidegirlcass]

Dear Woman In The Grocery Store,

You were wearing hot pants and a "sports bra" with Manolos and full makeup that made you look like prostitute clown last week. At 9 in the morning. On a Friday. In the grocery store! Your hair was higher than a pothead on April 20th and you reeked of Designer Imposters and Virginia Slims. You were buying 3 boxes of condoms and a tube of "personal lubricant". And tampons? I kept my "WTF?" to myself, but Ryan (the kid I nanny for) whispered to me that you were a hot mess. You overheard him and asked me quite nastily if I taught him that phrase. I had never been prouder to say "Yes" because he was referring to the fact that you stunk like cigarette smoke and he knows only gross people smoke.

Happy Weekend,

The Nonsmoking Nanny with HILARIOUS Charges

[slidegirlcass]

Dear Boss Who Thinks I Am Your Friend,

I was excited that your family was in town on Friday when your sister went into labor, but once you, your other sister, and your Brother In Law were home doing family things, there was no reason for me to stick around. You know I will never ask to leave early just because you happen to be home, but considering your husband never comes home on time so that I can leave after 10 hours with your kids, it would be swell if you would offer it.

Thanks,

Your Daily Prisoner

PS - When your little neice, whom I love to bits, asked me to make her some pasta for dinner and your sister told her not to bother me because my job isnt to take care of her, please dont correct her and tell her I dont mind doing it.

PPS - What does it say about your and your sisters parenting skills that they come to the nanny theyve only met 3 times when they need something?

[babieejae1101]

Dear BFF,
Stop cleaning that jerk's house! He doesn't treat you well and u still want to be his maid! When I ask you why he isn't helping and watching tv instead, you respond, "well, he shouldn't help, it's a woman's job, i believe." Wake up and smell the coffee! It's his house! You don't live with him and it's the freakin 21st century! Gender roles have changed doll!
your very pissed off bff,
Jessica

[slidegirlcass]

Dear BF -

I am not your mother and this is not the 1950s. I dont wake up in the morning just bursting to take care of you and your inept ass. Make your own damn breakfast, make your own damn bed, and wash your own damn laundry.

All My Love,

Your Fed Up GF

PS - The next time I work a 12hr day taking care of other people and come home to find that you had a day off and couldnt even pick up groceries for dinner I will still go out and get the groceries. For one. Hope you like PB&J.

[merika]

Dear Guy Who Owns the Grocery Store in Front of My Mom's House,

Graduate school takes more than four years to finish. It is not necessary to ask my mom if she is sure that her daughter is passing all her exams on schedule.

Thanks!

[babieejae1101]

Dear Roomba,
Please do your job and pick up the dirt on my rug. If you tell me that I need to remove and change your brushes 1 more time, I am going to throw you in Tempe Town Lake!
Best,
Someone who should have never gotten a roomba!

[slidegirlcass]

And finally:

Dear Creepy Father From Ryans School -

Yes, I am the nanny. Please stop asking me and getting a mental boner when I confirm it. Stop saying nanny with that sleazy accent. Do not refer to me as an au pair because it is quoteunquote just sexier. When I see you watching me with that creepy smile as I lean into the car to buckle the kids into their seats I throw up in my mouth a little. I am most likely smarter than you and in 5 years you will probably work for me, so stop acting as if sleeping with you would enrich my life. Even the kids know what you are up to and are totally skeeved out. Enjoy internet porn!

Regards,

Not Interested in Effing Your Fat Hairy Body

PS - Your wife is a frigid bitch who almost hit me in her giant SUV once, but I still tell her everytime you do something that creeps me out.

[abbygirl]

Dear High school classmates, specifically you girls:

It has been 25 years since we graduated and you are still the same snobish bitches you were back then. Yes, I do look good for my age and I can't help you chose to HAVE A FAT ASS. I work hard on keeping trim. I am in no way thin, but compared to you ladies, I am a friggin stick. Suck it up or put the fork down. You have a choice. I'm just sayin.

Btw, I might as well go ahead and tell you, your husband(s) tried to hit on us all evening. In this case, payback could have really been a bitch for you all, but fortunately for you, we are happily married, and maybe even better, your husbands were ugly.

Take that bitches.

[Dance in Rain]

This is probably the best thread ever. I write letters like this in my journal all the time to help me feel better. Maybe I'll type up a few here later, since typing is far easier then writing.