Open Letters: Dear...

[Tracy]

Originally Posted by devoted

Dear Mr. Cat, I truly appreciate the smells that are produced by your large feces, thank you for never covering them with your litter, the smell is so prominent....it's like an air freshener being sprayed in every room of the house. It lasts so long too, covering my nose with a towel doesn't lessen this exquisite scent. Also, a huge thanks for jumping on my lap after taking those huge dumps. I just love trying to dodge your huge smelly butt as you attempt to rub it on my face. It's almost as if you know exactly what you're doing. also, thank you for hiding under the rug and terrifying me as I step on you and trip. SO really enjoys it as well.

they know exactly what they're doing!

[dr. twiggers]

To My Once Monthly Friend Aunt Flo,

I really wish you'd stop showing up. I have no plans to have children, so you are really just an annoyance. Must you cause cramps that wake me from a dead sleep to announce your arrival? Like your something special we all must celebrate. If I wasn't opposed to pumping my body full of synthetic hormones I'd eradicate you from my life for a few months at a time, or better yet if I wasn't so afraid of hospitals and needles and pain I'd eradicate you for life. Really wish you were optional. Like say at age 21 we could sign up for you if we wanted :-) In the meantime just know that I absolutely despise you and really wish you'd stop showing up uninvited. Most people get the hint after 15 years, but not you!

Sincerely,

A pissed off PMSing girl.

[queenvictoria2]

Dear parents of children in college without a vehicle:

While we do not mind our DD giving your child a free ride back and forth to college in the car that we paid for and pay to maintain and put gas in, we DO mind when YOUR child demand that she take them back at a time that is NOT convenient for HER because they have practice or class or whatever .... this is NOT our problem, WE bought a car for OUR DD's convenience NOT YOURS!
Maybe it is time to buy YOUR child a vehicle.

[kymmie]

Mom and Daddy,

Thank you for still ensuring your "children" (my sisters and I are all thirtysomethings) have a basket from the Easter Bunny. I love the art supplies and sour jelly beans!

[CountryHag]

Dear Subordinate:
Thank you for coming in to work every day and never saying "Good Morning" or "Good Night" to the other people in the department. And it's good to know that, at the age of 57, when you need to speak to your co-workers, you prefer addressing them as "hey" or "(grunt)" instead of by their names.

Thank you for suffering from severe paranoia. It gives me great pleasure to have you complain to me every day that everyone else in the department was talking about and laughing at you several times today. Although you did not hear what they were saying, it's good to know that you are "positive" it was about you because, instead of doing your work, you spent the day "watching" their every move. It is nice to see that they are able to finish their work each day but you seem to lag behind. I wonder why that is?

Sincerely,
Your supervisor


Dear Boss,
Thank you for making me the supervisor of this department but not giving me the right to get rid of subordinates who spend too much time watching others and not doing their work. Your reasoning that "she's been with us for 9 years and has a calm demeanor" must make sense to you. I guess the fact that she hasn't gone "postal" is reason enough to keep her!

Sincerely,
Your worker of over 19 years.

[awong10]

Dear mother of 5 on the F train,

Thank you for just sitting there in silence while your 5 kids munch on sunflower seeds and proceed to spit the shells on the FLOOR. Thank you for not having taught them the concept of common decency especially in the presence of others. Thank you for making our subway dirtier than it already is.

Happy Easter.

[madamefifi]

Dear beloved Laszlo, aka Poopie--

Please do not get sick on me!!! Your sister Mathilda only just died in January and I can't take another hit like that, especially since (don't tell the others) you are my favorite kitty of all. If you vomit one more time you are going to the doctor so you better straighten up and act right, Poops!! And I have already informed Daddy that when it comes to you no expense shall be spared so that could mean a lot of really yucky tests and stuff. Do you really want that??? But Poopie, please please don't get sick!! I couldn't bear to lose my precious Boy.

Your anxious and devoted Mommy

[Odette]

Dear Husband,

I know we have our differences, and we tend to clash on little things, but I really do adore you. You make me smile when I'm sad, feel better when I'm sick, and do the little things (like clean the entire house while I'm away on business so I come home to a spotless home) that make me realize that you really do think of me when I'm not around. I also love that you made plans for our anniversary that had NOTHING to do with sports (thank GOD). I know the first year of our marriage was rocky but I think we're going to be just fine. I love you!

Love,
me
-------------
Dear family dog,

I understand that you have very important things to do. But do you seriously have to cry at the end of the bed at 5am on the weekends because you want to bark at the ducks in the pond behind the house? I don't think they are very frightened by your presence and you are on a tie-out, so it's not like you will get within 30 feet of them anyway. Give it up dog!

Love,
your owner

[Voodoo]

Originally Posted by merika

My dear Undergraduate students, 1/10 + 1/5 does not equal 1/15. This is fifth grade math, not rocket science. How on EARTH did you manage to get into college? I can't believe 5 people in a class of 13 cannot solve problems that involve fractions. Your annoyed instructor.

[ahs483]

Dear *friend*,
Please stop flirting with my boyfriend. Trust me, he's not interested and I am tired of acting like I dont notice. I have already confronted you about this and yet you still completely deny that you're doing it....umm hello rubbing on his stomach with your hand is definitely not "just talking" like you said you were. Also, shut up. To be honest, no one really cares about your latest 5th grade crush and everyone is tired of listening to your constant complaining!

Dear ex-friend,
Sweetie, just because you're jealous doesnt mean you need to be a complete bitch! I know it's hard for you to accept my big house, nice car, hot boyfriend and great clothes but GET OVER IT! I was never anything BUT nice to you and off you went to talk about me while still acting like my friend...next time I see you I will definitely be letting you know how I feel!
^that sounds really stuck up and bitchy but this girl was rediculous!!!! I'm not conceited (it may come off as being like that) I just wanted to make my point :/

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by merika

My dear Undergraduate students, 1/10 + 1/5 does not equal 1/15. This is fifth grade math, not rocket science. How on EARTH did you manage to get into college? I can't believe 5 people in a class of 13 cannot solve problems that involve fractions. Your annoyed instructor.

OMG !!!!

[xoxojuicy]

Dear Next Door Neighbor-

Thank you so much for deciding to have a huge tree in your yard chopped down at 6:30 AM, on Spring Break. There's nothing like waking up to a tree crashing down and a bunch of people putting wood into a mulch machine!

-your annoyed neighbor

[~Fabulousity~]

Dear wanna be boyfriend~
I have to tell you that the last 2 1/2 months have been somewhat "nice" but I have to say bye bye now. The reason(s)? Well first of all you have a very clingy ex who you don't seem to mind is clinging to you. Secondly you have 5 children by 4 different women (one of whom you aren't sure is yours) and weren't upfront about this when we met because you quote "knew it would be an issue for me". Thirdly I do not appreciate the way you continue to litter in front of me although I have told you several times I care about the enviorment and think that type of behavior is just plain wrong. To add everytime we have an intellectual conversation and you have trouble following you call me "Ms. Executive" which I think is really out of line. Oh and lastly you told me while at lunch the other day that if your mother died you would not shed a tear. So Mr. wanna be boyfriend it is because of all of these things and a few more that I am saying goodbye to you. Yes you seem to be a nice guy, but no I am not interested in accepting a 5 ct engagement ring from you that comes with 5 children by 4 different women, a clingy ex, hate for your mother, littering, and the nasty habit of smoking attached to it. Oh and please let me tell you that although you really are not my type I was being nice and giving you a chance anyway. But darling I am much too fabulous to be with a man who carries all the above and on top of this does not make sure he is well groomed. Bye Bye wanna be but never will be boyfriend.

[Voodoo]

Dear Dallas Stars,

I love you. Why did you wait until the last 5 weeks of the year to slump so badly? I want throw myself onto a sword. The third period is, indeed, still a part of the game. The whole 20 mintues. Not just the first 5, or 10, or 18. All 20.

Mr. Richards: I'm glad you are here. I really am. You are a stellar hockey player. SHOW US HOW YOU CAN PLAY.

Mr. Hicks: I'm not so sure trading away Jussi and Jeff was wise. Don't get me wrong, Brad Richards is a great player, but ummm our record since Jussi and Jeff includes AN win.

I love you guys. But playoff level hockey is what we need right now and what you've shown us isn't it. We have 6 games left in the season and several of our divisional opponents have games in-hand. Can we WIN THESE LAST SIX PLEASE?

Love, your ever faithful fan....
Voo

[Liz_x3]

Originally Posted by merika

My dear Undergraduate students, 1/10 + 1/5 does not equal 1/15. This is fifth grade math, not rocket science. How on EARTH did you manage to get into college? I can't believe 5 people in a class of 13 cannot solve problems that involve fractions. Your annoyed instructor.

That would equal 3/10, right?
Just checking my math skills - math has always been my weakest subject (even though I'm amazingly good in the math involved in science.. ok, it might have been me LOL).