Anger Management and Email -- any pointers?

[MandM]

I am not a violent person -- in fact I don't think I've ever intentionally struck another creature in my whole life! So I don't think I have a generalized "issue" with being angry or mean. But for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I can not seem to stop myself from sending "flaming" emails in response to disagreeable news.

For example, when the department head at my school did something that I thought was extremely unfair (to me and others) I immediately sent off a dozen separate emails about the injustice of the whole thing (no swear words or anything like that...but words like "outrageous", "unethical", and "betrayed" made appearances). I've also sent terribly sarcastic and defensive emails in personal situations too.

I KNOW it's foolish. I know that in extreme cases, you can even get sued for sending mean emails! People have told me to just write the emails but not send them until the next day...I try that...but I just feel like I'm going to literally explode until I actually hit that send button. Then, I feel vindicated for awhile...until a few days later, when I realize that I sounded like a raving lunatic

Does anyone else ever have this problem...or am I just a nutter? Anyone ever successfully reformed themselves?

[redney]

Hi M - it's been a while since I've seen you here. Hope you're doing great!

OK, here's a suggestion that might work for you. Create another email address for yourself. Then, when you're fuming and mad and MUST push that send button RIGHTNOW, send it only to that email address. You'll have the satisfaction of sending off your rant immediately, but only you will receive it.

Once you cool off overnight or whatever, you can write a new (calmer) email to send to the appropriate parties.

Hope this helps!

[MandM]

Hi Redney!! Good to see you again! I've been really busy but still "lurking" and checking in on tpf. I love your profile pic:-)

This is really a good idea -- I was thinking that something like a filter on my outbox or some sort of "extra step" could work. With your plan, I could send angry emails to myself and then take a few minutes (or, even better, a day or so!) to re-read and review them before forwarding them to anyone else.

Thanks for the tip!

[flashy.stems]

thats a great idea.. i sometimes do silly things on impulse over e-mail/msn/bbm too..

[.jourdyn.]

That is indeed a great idea. Sometime when I get heated and would really love to just tell someone how I am feeling or just tell them off, I will write them a letter. It seems to make me feel better the fact that I can get what I am thinking out of my mind and on to paper. But of course I don't give it to them, it's just the fact that I was able to write it out that helps me.

[juneping]

for me....i usually find someone i trust and just complain to her/him....to get it out of my chest. this is more effective to me.
GL!!

[ssc0619]

I like the idea of having the separate email address that you can send your "draft" to before you actually send it out. I think the key is always to let the emotions settle down before you actually send something out.

I have a friend who has the same challenge that you describe--the need to send something out immediately that she feels addresses a wrong. She always copies me on these, and I am almost 100% of the time horrified at what she has sent. It is never equivalent to what she might say in person. I know her well and she would never come across in person the way she comes across in email-- the tone and emotion of her emails are always escalated.

Many of her tirades have been directed to the teachers and principals at her kids' schools. I've actually been there when the staff have been discussing her (not by name, but I recognized the particular situation) and they do think she is a "looney tune" who has issues. They don't respect her and don't take her seriously anymore. I know she would be hurt that they would talk about that way, yet she has created the whole perception.

I think you are very wise to see that you might have an issue. I bet the issue is probably even bigger than you think. It is a whole different thing to be on the receiving end of an email like you describe, than it is to write it. People can't see a face or expressions to help them understand. All they see is the written word.

Would you talk to people in person in the same way you've written in your email? I find that most people would answer that no. Something about email gives us a feeling of power that we can say exactly what's on our minds without having to pause for anyone else's thoughts or feelings.

I was going to tell you to sleep on any email that you write. Give it a day at least to sit without looking at it. By then your emotions will have settled some. But I know that doesn't address the feeling that you have to do something right then. That's what I like about using a second email address to send the draft to. When you review it, I think it is good too to ask yourself how would I feel if I received this email--looking at it for tone, emotion, sarcasm.

Anyway, good luck!

[MandM]

Thanks for all of the advice ladies!

ssc, the example of your friend is really hitting home. It's like I can see myself in a few years if I don't get this under control (well, and if I have kids and send them to school!).

Another idea that I've considered is having a standard "distress" email that expresses the idea that you are upset and disagree, but want to discuss the issue further at another time. Maybe something like: "I'm feeling very upset by this news and disagree strongly. I would like to discuss this issue further before final decisions are made. I will gather my thoughts and send them to you as soon as possible. Thanks for your time and attention to this matter." This alerts people to your opposition, but leaves out the drama.

I'm hopeful that, by combining this with redney's idea of a separate address (that gives you a second step before forwarding hostility on to others) I'll be able to make some progress with this before I become the local "looney tunes"!

[bagnshoofetish]

I like Redneys idea a lot. I was going to say to just send it to yourself but sending it to an actual "different" name is even better.
maybe "cc" friends who don't work with you and have nothing to do with your job just to vent. make sure you tell them its just a vent though.

[Pursegrrl]

Co-sign on Redney's idea. I was going to suggest keeping it in a draft and reading it the next day but if you absolutely have to hit 'send' for the satisfaction then a separate address that only goes to you is great.

MandM, have you ever been on the receiving end of a flaming, angry email? It ain't fun. Sometimes I can just let them slide off my back and I'll think "Dang, who peed in her cornflakes today?" or other times if I'm feeling a little sensitive the words literally stab me in the heart.

I certainly wouldn't want to get a reputation for having a "mean email voice" with my friends or co-workers...no thanks on a Looney Tunes label!! People won't take you seriously and will barely read through your mails. And like ssc posted, would you (or anyone) say what you're writing outloud to that person's face?

If you have the opportunity to discuss your disagreements with things, face to face is much better than email mudslinging!

And that's my ramble on this for now, LOL....it's SO GREAT seeing you post here - been ages, GF! Hope you are well.

XXXOO PG

[Love my Tanos]

Ditto on what everyone has said. I have a client who's sent me outrageously mean emails before based on completely misunderstood facts, and although she apologized for "the situation" (not very sincerely, but still), there was just something about seeing my name attached to such rude and abusive sentiments in print that made it impossible to forget the whole thing had happened.

Incidentally this same client left a voice mail at my office ranting over Thanksgiving holiday, literally screaming at the top of her voice, regarding a Fedex package that was in transit. If she had checked her own voice mail before abusing mine, she could've saved herself the drama. Years have gone by and I still think of this woman as someone who is literally not in control of herself, who has no concern of looking like a fool, and in all of these cases was absolutely, 100% wrong before she shot off her mouth. I still have to handle her account, but believe me it isn't done with a cheery attitude and I do everything within my power to avoid speaking to her by phone or email. She's a nut, and she's the one who made me think so.

I think perhaps cultivating this type of reputation for yourself would be less appealing than satisfying that itch of sending off the nasty email in the first place, right? Just look at it that way. Believe me I felt like zinging this client right back. Whenever I'm tempted, I just close out my email system altogether and walk away. Emails never go away, and can be forwarded until the end of time if what you've written is especially outrageous, so just remember that your "vent" can become someone else's opportunity to put you in your place.

Personally I'd go with the alternate email address for myself, rather than venting to a friend, bc I don't see any benefit in having a friend read off-the-cuff angry remarks, unless it was something I was asking her advice on. No need for a friend to get riled up unless she needed to be involved, IMO.

Your post sounds like you don't want to continue sending the flaming emails - so that's a good first step in stopping. I think handling problems by phone or in person is the better way to go. That way, you can give the other person the stink eye to let them know how serious you are rather than spending half an hour crafting the perfect hateful email! :) just kidding.

[olialm1]

I will admit that I have an anger problem. I have a small fuse and I don't like nonsense or people that act stupid. Usually I have no issue putting people in their place, but I do know when I NEED to keep my mouth shut and ignore things. Usually if something is upsetting me or I find myself becoming very angry I remove myself from the situation and count to ten. Yes it sounds stupid but it works for me. Instead of saying the first thing that comes to my mind I'm able to go think about things and when I'm finally ready to respond it's not as bitchy and I'm calm. I never make decisions when I'm upset. hth

[Ginrei76]

If you are angry you need to wait at least a day to cool down before sending off an e-mail. When you are angry it causes you to become very emotional, you won't be thinking clearly and could say something you might later regret.

I got into big trouble at work about 6 or 7 years ago over an irate e-mail.

[bellafleur]

Here's a really crazy suggestion... write a letter, by HAND!:) There's a lot of danger in writing an e-mail and sending it intentionally or accidentally. Even if you type one and send it to yourself, you could accidentally send it to the wrong person. This just happened to my friend. She intended to send an angry e-mail about a client to her co-worker, but she accidentally sent it to the client! She and the co-worker then had to spend the entire afternoon figuring out how to fix the situation and not get her fired for losing a major client. Write a letter! It takes a lot more conscious thought to put it in an envelope and actually mail it!:)

[fabae]

Originally Posted by bellafleur

Here's a really crazy suggestion... write a letter, by HAND!:) There's a lot of danger in writing an e-mail and sending it intentionally or accidentally. Even if you type one and send it to yourself, you could accidentally send it to the wrong person. This just happened to my friend. She intended to send an angry e-mail about a client to her co-worker, but she accidentally sent it to the client! She and the co-worker then had to spend the entire afternoon figuring out how to fix the situation and not get her fired for losing a major client. Write a letter! It takes a lot more conscious thought to put it in an envelope and actually mail it!:)

That's exactly what I was going to say - don't go anywhere near the e-mail. Writing it by hand will allow you to say whatever you want. Then stuff it in your purse and throw it away at home.