So last night on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim, Scott, Rob, and Johnathan (remember him?) were in London. And Bruce, Kris, and Khloe were in Boston. Hopefully, you were somewhere else other than on the couch drinking white wine and watching E! from 9-10 pm EST last night, and that’s why you’re here. Wise choice.
In this episode, Kim was launching a new fragrance in the UK and flaunting all the new Prada goodies she’d gotten from Kanye, who appeared on screen for maybe a full minute in this episode. Her hotel suite at The Athenaeum Hotel was pretty bitchin’, but she’d actually been displaced from her original hotel accommodations by the Queen, who had commandeered an entire hotel for her Diamond Jubilee. (That ho!) Kim dragged her bff Johnathan Cheban out to London to keep her company, even though unbeknownst to Johnathan, Rob and Scott had already joined the party. Or, as they say in England…ye olde party. (Just kidding. Nobody talks like that there.) Nobody was getting a lot of personal attention from Kim, however, because her days were/are a whirlwind of meet n’ greets, guest appearances, and press interviews. Ah, to be Kim Kardashian.
Scott was pretty jealous about all the attention that gasbag the Queen was getting during her Jubilee celebration. All that love and respect being bestowed on Her Majesty made Scott hungry for even more fame – and not the misbegotten kind he already has. No, Scott wanted regal bearings. To better understand England’s long history of white-wigged Royal celebrity, he took Rob on a tour of the National Portrait Gallery. Rob was really alarmed that they were doing anything so sophisticated (as were we all) – in fact, when Scott told him they were going to a portrait gallery, Rob’s exact response was “Like, penis portraits?” No Rob, not penis portraits. (I’m sure somewhere off-screen, Rob and Scott snickered for a full minute over “spotted dick.”)
Scott was in love with Royal finery. Fur throws, gold chains, pimpin’ canes – this was the lifestyle Scott wanted. How could he obtain it? He wanted a title. And thanks to the magic of the internet, a meaningless title could easily be bought. Scott Disick was soon being dubbed Lord of the Manor of Blurghityblurghshire, and now it was time to dress (if not act) the part. That could only mean one thing: SHOPPING. Scott and Rob hit up some sort of old timey costume shop and danced merrily about in some pantaloons and fur cloaks. “Lil Wayne would wear this,” declared Scott. FYI, this is where the episode peaked.
Watching Scott and Rob terrorize London was a real treat – I hate to put this kind of bug in Ryan Seacrest’s ear – but I would totally watch a Scott n’ Rob travel show. Something between “The Amazing Race” and an “An Idiot Abroad”, perhaps?
Truthfully, the other plot points in this episode were so minor and trivial, they almost don’t bear mentioning – but here they are!
While Scott and Rob went on a bromantic tour of London, Johnathan Cheban continued to kevetch about being neglected by Kim. I know dude, it sucks when you have to get dressed up, hang out with Kim Kardashian, and drink for free. I feel you. I have to take a sec to point out that Kim’s outfits in this episode were top notch. Balls-to-the-wall amazing. Totally killer in every scene. Anyhoo, Kim eventually felt bad about dragging Johnathan around to all of her glamorous work events, and gave him his much needed Kim Kardashian Day of Fun. They rode the London Eye together and pondered how many tourist couples were inspired to get freaky by the fabulous 180-degree views.
Barely relevant to anything sub-plot number 2: Bruce Jenner has a DARK SIDE. Sort of. Not really. Though he and Kris clearly have deeply rooted trust issues. Every few episodes, we rip the bandage off the gnarly scab that is their relationship, let it bleed for the cameras, and then patch it back up with a pink Hello Kitty bandaid right before the credits roll. It’s a really unnerving pattern. On this ep, Kris was harping on and on about how hard it is to deal with him, but no one believed her, because everybody loves Bruce. Nobody thinks he gets enough respect from Kris. (He doesn’t.) Kris can’t manage to convince anyone that she has a secret cross to bear, which is, you know, Bruce’s dark side. (Cue the ominous harpsichord music.)
Here are a few super speedy examples of of Bruce Jenner being DARK. I’m gonna recap them for you here, so you can fast forward through these parts if you DVR-ed this episode. Bruce didn’t want to drive Kris’ Rolls Royce because it screams MONEY. He’s not wrong! He and Kris had a minor squabble, during which Kris Jenner essentially told Bruce that he needn’t be concerned about his image, because he has no image, and frequently looks like a “hot mess.” Ouch! Bruce got miffed, pulled over on the side of the road and switched cars with his teen daughter Kendall, who’d been following them with Kylie in their souped up SUV. Obviously, this one’s on Kris Jenner.
Khloe gets roped into accompanying Kris and Bruce to some shindig in Boston. (Khloe:“Maybe I should just put myself into the hospital for exhaustion so I don’t have to go.”)
Kris is not-so-privately thrilled, because now that Khloe is hitting the road with them, she’ll undoubtedly have an encounter with EVIL BRUCE, because Bruce is a horror to travel with. But several hours into the trip, all Bruce has done is rip their luggage out of the hands of an overly helpful valet. Still waiting on Bizarro Bruce to show up.
That same evening, as the girls were painstakingly pampered, primped and styled by a small army of gay men, Bruce was holding up the wall and checking his watch a lot. Like a lot of dads, he has a thing about being prompt, and also, a thing about waiting on women to finish their damn make-up. When he saw an attentive stylist putting Kris’ shoes on for her, he started to lose his cool.
Once Bruce finally (and somewhat angrily) ushered them out the door, he and Kris started arguing in the car about whether or not Bruce should buy a plane (you know, NORMAL couples stuff!) and Bruce started waxing on about how Kris has so much life insurance on him, he’s worth more to her dead than alive. Damn, son! That is dark. Kris Jenner might not be entirely wrong. Bruce couldn’t get out of the car fast enough, but he’s trapped behind Kris and Khloe, who were waiting on escorts with umbrellas, because of course if rain touches Kris Jenner, she will melt into a puddle.
But what was the moral of the story here exactly? Once the gang was reunited in Kardashianland, Lord Scott Disick realized that while he might’ve temporarily obtained a title in the UK, it didn’t mean squat back at the ranch, where a heavily preggers Kourtney rolled around demanding coconut water. (Please, oh please, hire an English butler Scott. It would make this show 10X more watchable. I’m sure Geoffrey from “Fresh Prince” is available.) And also, Khloe reconciled herself to the fact that adult relationships are far more nuanced than children or even adult step-children can understand. I’m fairly sure I caught an episode of “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” that ended just like this.